


Peacocks, Ex Boyfriends and a Mop

by bornforwar_archivist, Tali_Sarah



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-31
Updated: 2006-12-31
Packaged: 2020-03-14 15:53:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18951268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornforwar_archivist/pseuds/bornforwar_archivist, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tali_Sarah/pseuds/Tali_Sarah
Summary: By TaliResponse to Delenn's Challenge.





	Peacocks, Ex Boyfriends and a Mop

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Delenn, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Born For War](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Born_For_War), which closed in 2015. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Born For War collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bornforwar).
> 
> Disclaimer: If I owned them, do you think I would be writing fan fiction on the net? NO! I'd be writing the frigging show. Just for the sake of not getting sued. I do not own the characters of Xena Warrior Princess or Hercules the Legendary Journeys.

"I know you said there were going to be slightly kinky things I would have to do if I wanted to become your lover but this is ridiculous!" Next to Discord sat a bucket of warm soapy water and she held a mop in her hand.

"Discord. This has nothing to do with our little affair. The floor is dirty and it needs cleaning so mop to it. Hahaha, I made a joke, did you get it, mop to it....."

"Yes I got it. But we're outside, in a garden. It doesn't need to be cleaned."

"Yes it does. Clean the stepping stones Discord or I'll make you mortal."

"FINE!"Discord pulled a face before dunking the mop into the bucket and slopping water all over the stones. "Are you sure you're not the Zeus from the other world. Cause last I heard he was a few sandwiches short of a picnic too."

"Mmmmm...sandwiches......huh? What were you saying?"

"Doesn't matter."

Meanwhile in another part of the Babylon Gardens where the peacocks ran wild (thanks Hera, now we have a peacock population vastly becoming out of control) and the flowers were in bloom Xena and Ares were trying to kill each other.

"He meant nothing to me." Xena punched the God of War in the stomach.

"Oh really? You only had a son with him. The guy couldn't even pronounce stuff properly." Ares kicked her in the leg.

"He's dead for Gaia's sake." Xena screamed.

"Oh yeah." Ares stopped and caught Xena's fist just before it impacted with his face.

"So why are we fighting about this?" The Warrior Princess asked.

"I don't know. When did this start?"

*Fade back*

Last night at a Tavern somewhere in Greece

"Ninety nine bottles of mead on the wall, ninety nine bottles of mead, take one down pass it around ninety..............um.......Iolaus, what comes after ninety nine?"

"I don't know."

"Look Xena, it's Hercules and Iolaus." Gabrielle ran over to the two.

"Oh yay! A night of two drunk morons trying to hit on me." Xena answered.

"Hi Xena." The two heroes sighed in unison.

"You know what Xena....I miss you.I miss not having a good relationship with Ares, not doing the things brothers should. Why can't Ares and I fish together, laugh together......."

"Hey Herc you two did one thing brothers sometimes do....."

"Yeah what's that Iolaus."

"You fought for the girl....and you won." Iolaus smirked.

"Oh yeah. I got Xena. Nah nah, nah nah nah! Take that Ares."

"Boy was I wrong with that choice." Xena ordered a glass of water.

The Tavern was filled with a blinding blue light signaling the arrival of a leather clad God. Hercules and Iolaus sat mouths open staring at Ares.

"That was so cool man. Kinda like the time you exploded that cow, don't tell Herc but I thought that was cool." Iolaus whispered the last part.

Ares grabbed Hercules by the neck, he squealed like a pig, he never did get over that incident, and started blubbering.

"Hey I'm not the only ex, does the name Draco mean anything?" Ares dropped the Demi God and turned to Xena.

"What? It wasn't my fault! Bliss put the spell on me. It's not like I slept with him." Xena took a sip of her water, "the guy is in love with Gabrielle, what kind of threat do you think he is?"

"Hmm...." Ares didn't get to finish before Gabrielle interrupted.

"Don't forget Marcus" The blonde held a look of triumph.

"Yeah what about Marcus? There was that whole ‘I'll follow you to the underworld in my underwear' bit you two had going."

"Oh Gods! Thanks so much Gabrielle. Hon, he was dead, you hadn't even started harassing me full time yet. My ex boyfriends are no threat, most of them are dead." Xena smiled trying to convince the God of War to stop pouting.

So that's when it had started. They had argued over every boyfriend Xena ever had, and I mean everyone. Ares somehow even bought up the little boy who had given her a flower when she was five. Sometime during the fight Ares had transported them to the Babylon Gardens to yell at each other in private.

*Back to present time*

"Ares, you've brought up every man, boy and thing that has ever looked at me. For Zeus sake we even argued over you sister eying me off. Athena does that to everyone. Can we please stop now?"

"I suppose. What's that sound?"

"Hmm......sounds like arguing."

"Maybe we should check it out." Ares suggested. The pair snuck past the peacocks who merely stared at them, around the rose bush and behind a big tree. They couldn't believe their eyes, what a site. Discord was mopping stepping stones and Zeus was humming the theme to Hercules.

"We are supposed to be having an affair, but no, I have to clean first." Discord muttered, yet it was loud enough for both the Warrior Princess and God of War to hear.

"Zeus and DISCORD? That's a match!" Xena blurted out a little too loud.

"XENA! Xena's here? That means Ares is here" Discord screamed.

Zeus who had been looking at something that resembled a book turned to see his son and a very attractive woman walk out from behind a tree.

"I see two choices here. Either I fry both of you now or......." Zeus started.

"We never speak of this to no one, especially Mum and we all live happily ever after?" Ares finished.

"Yeah that's about it."

"We'll go with the second choice." Ares grabbed Xena's hand and transported them to his chambers.

 

AND WITH THAT THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER (Bullshit!)

 

The End

Must have the following things/characters.

Ares, Xena, Discord, Zeus, A mop.

1) An Ares/Xena romance.

2) An Zeus/Discord romance.

3) A old boyfriend of Xena's causes trouble(While she is dating Ares).

4) Xena must say 'Zeus and DISCORD? That's a match!'

5) Discord must be mopping.

6) Must take place in the Babylon Gardens.


End file.
